I’ve always been uncertain about myself.
It’s the wonder at life and what created us, and it’s the whispering question in the back of my mind constantly doubting if I’m good enough for our ‘creator’. And, if there is no creator, if I’m good enough.
It’s not diffidence, definitely not. It’s not even really anything like that-I’m not shy, nor am I humble. It’s fear. People can smell fear from miles away. I’m just scared; I’m scared to admit or to acknowledge that I’m good and then have it all crumble into fragments before my mind, more than I could imagine even in the most developed fragments of my imagination.
It’s the nervousness- the nervousness that I’m not doing the right thing when I’m being loud or out there, and it’s nervousness that I’ll reach my acme, so much so that’ll never get there again, and it’s nervousness that people will think that I think I’m good at things, even if I am. I don’t acknowledge that anything that I do is good, because I don’t want it to be the best that I can ever achieve.
Alas, it is not that I’m diffident or that I would rather not shout my opinions from the rooftops. It is not even that I have no faith in myself.
I think it’s because I cannot stand to be mediocre that I am so afraid of failing. To me, failure is not the lack of evidence that you’ve done well, it is the lack of evidence that you’ve done the best. Sometimes this fear- this biting sensation of not being good enough-it gets me in a twist, and I over explain because I’m so scared that I’ll get it so wrong. I need to be the best; to be the best, you have to act like it.
Sure, I’m good. But, what if I’m not so good next time?